Depression and relationships: how it affects couples and when counselling can help

When one partner is struggling with depression or anxiety, both people feel it. Here is how it can show up in a relationship, what helps at home and where counselling fits alongside a GP.

Depression and relationship strain in Australia: how depression affects a relationship

Depression rarely stays with one person. It changes the everyday rhythm between partners. Common patterns include:

• One partner pulls back, sleeps more or stops enjoying things you used to do together.
• Small comments land harder, and arguments start more easily.
• Physical affection and sex drop off.
• The other partner takes on more of the housework, parenting or money worries, and starts to feel tired and resentful.
• Conversations shrink to logistics because "how are you?" feels risky.

None of this means the relationship is failing. It means both people need support.

It's not personal, but it still hurts

One of the hardest things for a partner is that depression can look like not caring. A partner who doesn't want to go out, doesn't laugh at your jokes or doesn't reach for you in bed may still love you deeply. At the same time, your hurt is real. Both things can be true, and saying both out loud often eases the tension.

Anxiety can sit alongside depression or on its own, showing up as worry, reassurance-seeking or avoidance. Our article on how anxiety affects relationships looks at that side more closely.

What can the partner without depression do?

You can't fix your partner's depression, and trying to usually wears you both out. What tends to help more:

• Ask, don't diagnose. "You've seemed flat lately. How are you going?" opens more doors than "You're depressed."
• Encourage a GP visit and offer practical help, like booking it or going with them.
• Keep small rituals going, such as a short walk or a cup of tea together, even when big plans feel too much.
• Lower expectations for a while without giving up on connection.
• Look after yourself too. Time with friends, sleep and your own support are not selfish.

What can the partner with depression do?

When you're low, it can feel like you have nothing to give. Small things still count:

• Name it when you can: "It's a bad day, it's not about you."
• Let your partner know one thing that helps, even if it's just sitting together.
• Keep appointments with your GP or other health professionals, and be honest with them about how you're going.
• Notice moments of connection, however small, and say thank you.

A small exercise: the weather report

Each evening, take one minute each to give a "weather report": sunny, cloudy, rainy or stormy, plus one sentence about why. No fixing, no arguing, just listening. It gives the partner with depression a low-pressure way to share, and the other partner a clearer picture without having to guess.

Can counselling help when one partner has anxiety or depression?

Yes, alongside individual care. A counsellor is not a doctor and doesn't diagnose or prescribe. A GP is the right first step for assessment, a treatment plan and any questions about medication. They can also talk with you about a mental health care plan and referral to a psychologist if that's appropriate.

When the concern is mental health, couples counselling can help with what happens between you: understanding how depression is affecting the relationship, reducing blame, rebalancing roles and finding ways to stay close. Some people also come on their own to talk through how a partner's mental health is affecting them. Read more about mental health support at Midstream.

When to get help urgently

If you or your partner are having thoughts of suicide or self-harm, or you are worried about someone's safety, don't wait for a counselling appointment. Call 000 in an emergency, or Lifeline on 13 11 14 any time, and see a GP as soon as possible. Counselling is not an emergency service. If depression is mixed with fear, threats or controlling behaviour, joint counselling isn't the right first step: 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732 can help.

Mental health and couples counselling in Doncaster VIC

Elena Basova at Midstream Counselling has supported couples and individuals since 2022, at 450 Doncaster Road, Doncaster VIC, and online anywhere in Australia. Read more about marriage counselling in Melbourne. Sessions give you both a calm place to talk about how mental health is affecting the relationship, without blame. No GP referral is needed to book counselling, though seeing your GP for your own health is still encouraged.

Frequently asked questions

Can depression cause a relationship to break down?

Depression can put serious strain on a relationship through withdrawal, irritability and imbalance in who carries the load. Many couples get through it, especially when the person with depression gets individual care and both partners have support to talk about the effects.

Should we see a GP or a counsellor first?

If depression or anxiety is affecting daily life, start with a GP for assessment, treatment options and medication questions. Couples counselling can then work alongside that care to help with the relationship side.

Is counselling for depression in Melbourne covered by Medicare?

Medicare rebates under a mental health care plan apply to psychologists and some other registered providers, not generally to counselling with a counsellor. Your GP can explain the options, and some private health funds offer rebates for counselling under extras cover.

Can I come to counselling alone if my partner has depression?

Yes. Individual sessions can help you understand what is happening, look after yourself and find ways to support your partner without burning out.

Book a session