MidstreamGottman-informed couples counselling: the four horsemen, repair and the sound relationship house
Key ideas from John and Julie Gottman's relationship research, explained in plain language, with simple exercises and how Gottman-informed tools are used in counselling in Doncaster.
What is the Gottman approach?
John Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman have spent decades studying couples, observing how partners talk, argue and make up. Their work led to the Gottman Method, a structured approach to couples therapy taught through the Gottman Institute.
Some of the most useful findings are surprisingly practical. Conflict itself isn't the problem: most couples have ongoing disagreements that never fully go away. What matters more is how partners treat each other during conflict and how much friendship and goodwill sits underneath.
What are the four horsemen in a relationship?
The Gottmans named four patterns that tend to wear a relationship down when they become habits. Each has an antidote.
- Criticism: attacking your partner's character ("You're so selfish"). Antidote: a gentle start-up that describes the situation and what you need ("I'm stressed about the dishes, could you help tonight?").
- Contempt: eye-rolling, mockery, sarcasm or acting superior. Antidote: building a culture of appreciation, noticing and saying what you value in each other.
- Defensiveness: counter-attacking or playing the victim ("Well, you never..."). Antidote: taking responsibility for even a small part of the problem.
- Stonewalling: shutting down and withdrawing, often because you're flooded. Antidote: physiological self-soothing, which means taking an agreed break and calming your body before coming back.
Almost everyone uses some of these sometimes. The goal is to notice them sooner and reach for the antidote more often.
Bids for connection
A bid is any small attempt to get your partner's attention, interest or affection. It can be a comment ("Look at that bird"), a question, a sigh, a touch or a shared joke.
Partners can turn towards a bid (responding with interest), turn away (not noticing) or turn against it (responding with irritation). The Gottmans' research suggests that these tiny everyday moments build, or slowly drain, the trust and warmth couples rely on when bigger problems arrive.
Try this for a week: each notice one bid from your partner every day and turn towards it, even briefly. Then talk about what you noticed.
Repair attempts
A repair attempt is anything that stops an argument spiralling: a joke, an apology, "Can we start again?", a hand on the arm, or "I'm getting overwhelmed, can we slow down?"
Repairs don't have to be elegant. What helps is that the other person can recognise them and accept them. Many couples find it useful to agree in advance on a few repair phrases they will both take seriously, even mid-argument. Our article on how to stop arguments escalating covers this in more detail.
Love maps
A love map is the mental picture you hold of your partner's inner world: their worries, hopes, friendships, stresses and what lights them up. Busy years with work, children or illness can leave these maps out of date.
A simple exercise is to take turns asking open questions over a meal or a walk: "What's on your mind about work at the moment?", "What's something you're looking forward to?", "Who has been on your mind lately?" Listen to learn, not to fix.
What is the sound relationship house?
The sound relationship house is the Gottmans' model of a healthy relationship, pictured as a house built in levels. In general terms, the lower levels are about friendship: love maps, sharing fondness and admiration, and turning towards each other. The middle levels cover a positive outlook and managing conflict. The top levels are about making life dreams come true and creating shared meaning. Two walls, trust and commitment, hold the house together.
It's a helpful way to see that improving how you argue is only one part of the picture. Friendship and everyday connection carry much of the weight.
How Elena uses Gottman-informed tools
Elena Basova holds a Master of Counselling from Monash University and is a registered member of the Australian Counselling Association. Her approach is person-centred, integrative and attachment-informed. She draws on principles and techniques from Gottman-informed relationship counselling alongside emotionally focused therapy (EFT), ACT, CBT and Internal Family Systems. She is not a certified Gottman therapist; instead she uses Gottman-informed ideas where they fit each couple. You can read more about Elena.
In practice that might mean helping a couple spot the four horsemen as they happen in session, practising gentle start-ups and repair, or setting small between-session tasks such as noticing bids. These practical tools often sit alongside deeper work on the feelings and attachment needs driving the conflict. See conflict and communication counselling and how to communicate better without fighting for more.
Sessions are at 450 Doncaster Road, Doncaster VIC, or online anywhere in Australia. Read more about couples counselling in Melbourne.
When these tools are not enough on their own
Communication tools assume both partners feel safe. If there is abuse, violence, coercive control or fear in the relationship, joint counselling is not the right first step. Please seek individual support. In an emergency call 000, contact 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732, or call Lifeline on 13 11 14. Counselling is not an emergency service.
Frequently asked questions
Is Gottman-informed counselling the same as the Gottman Method?
Not exactly. The Gottman Method is a specific program with its own training and certification. Gottman-informed counselling draws on the research and tools in a more flexible way, alongside other approaches that suit the couple.
Can we use the four horsemen ideas at home?
Yes. Many couples find it helpful simply to name the horsemen together when calm, then agree on the antidotes they want to practise. If conversations keep escalating despite your efforts, a counsellor can help you practise in a guided setting.
Do Gottman-informed tools work for same-sex couples?
Yes. The ideas about friendship, conflict and repair apply to couples of all kinds, including same-sex, transgender, de facto and married couples. Counselling is adapted to each couple's situation.
Do we need a referral to book?
No. You can book directly without a GP referral or mental health care plan. Current session options and fees are shown when you book online.