MidstreamWhat happens in couples counselling? A short film and a guide to your first session
Watch a 42-second film about counselling with Elena Basova, then get clear answers: what happens in the first session, whether to go together or alone, how to prepare and whether online works.
What happens in a first couples counselling session?
The first session is about getting a clear picture, not fixing everything at once. You can expect to talk about:
- What brings you in now, and how long things have felt this way.
- How each of you sees the problem. You'll each get time to speak without being interrupted.
- What you've already tried, and what has helped or made things worse.
- What each of you would like to be different. It's fine if you want different things.
- How counselling works: confidentiality, how often to meet and what happens next.
Most couples leave the first session with a better sense of what is going on between them and a plan for the next few sessions. Some also feel relieved simply because the conversation finally happened somewhere calm.
Should we go together or separately?
Usually together. A joint first session lets the counsellor see how you talk to each other, which is often where the most useful work is. Sometimes one or two individual sessions help too. That might be when there are a lot of issues, when one partner finds it hard to speak openly, or when someone has been deeply hurt.
If your partner isn't ready to come, you can start on your own. Individual sessions can help you understand the relationship and decide what you want, and many partners join later.
How to prepare for your first session
You don't need to prepare anything, but these can help:
- Write down two or three things you most want to change. Focus on what you'd like more of, not only on what your partner does wrong.
- Think about a recent argument you could describe. Real examples are more useful than general complaints.
- Agree on practical details together: time, travel or a quiet room at home for online sessions, and who books.
- Expect some nerves. Feeling awkward at the start is normal, and the counsellor's job is to make the conversation feel safe and paced.
Will the counsellor take sides?
No. A relationship counsellor is on the side of the relationship, not either partner. The aim isn't to decide who is right but to understand what keeps happening between you. If either of you feels unheard or judged, say so in the session; that's useful information, not a problem.
When couples counselling isn't the right first step
Joint sessions are not safe or helpful for everyone. If one partner is afraid of the other, if there is violence, control or threats, or if there is a serious substance problem, individual support usually comes first. If you're unsure, mention it when you book; you can talk about it privately. In an emergency, call 000. For 24/7 support, call 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732 or Lifeline on 13 11 14.
Does online couples counselling work as well?
For most relationship concerns, research and clinic evaluations suggest online couples counselling gives similar results to meeting in person. It also makes it easier to keep going when work, children or travel get in the way. In-person sessions may suit you better if you find it hard to talk at home or need a separate, neutral space. Online sessions run by secure video, anywhere in Australia.
How many sessions will we need?
It depends on what you bring. Some couples come for a few sessions to work through one issue; others prefer ongoing support over several months. Many notice a difference within the first four to six sessions. You review progress together and decide the pace.
How to choose a couples counsellor
- Couples experience matters. Working with two people at once is a specific skill, so ask about experience with couples.
- You both need to feel comfortable. If one of you doesn't feel at ease after a session or two, it's okay to say so.
- Check the practical details: fees, cancellation policy, session length and whether you need a referral (for counselling, you don't).
Elena Basova is a relationship counsellor who has supported couples since 2022, in the room and online. More about Elena.
Couples counselling in Doncaster and Melbourne's east
Sessions take place in a quiet room at 450 Doncaster Road, Doncaster VIC 3108, about 20 minutes from the CBD with easy access to the Eastern Freeway. Couples come from Doncaster, Templestowe, Bulleen, Balwyn, Kew, Box Hill, Donvale, Warrandyte and across Melbourne's eastern suburbs.
Frequently asked questions
What happens in the first couples counselling session?
The first session is a conversation about what brings you in, how each partner sees the problem, what you've already tried and what you'd like to change. The counsellor also explains confidentiality and how the sessions will work.
Should couples go to counselling together or separately?
Usually together, so the counsellor can see how you communicate. Individual sessions can help when there are many issues, when someone has been deeply hurt or when one partner isn't ready to come yet.
How should we prepare for couples counselling?
You don't need to prepare, but it helps to note two or three things you'd most like to change and a recent example of an argument. Plan a quiet, private space if you're meeting online.
Is online couples counselling effective?
For most relationship concerns, online couples counselling appears to work about as well as meeting in person, and it makes it easier to keep sessions regular.
When is couples counselling not recommended?
When one partner is afraid of the other, or when there is violence, coercive control or a serious substance problem, individual support is usually the safer first step. In an emergency, call 000.