MidstreamMismatched desire: how couples can talk about sex without blame
Different levels of desire are one of the most common sexual concerns couples face. Here's why it happens, how to talk about it kindly and when counselling can help.
Is mismatched libido normal?
Yes. Almost every couple has differences in how often they want sex, what puts them in the mood and what intimacy means to them. Desire also changes over time with age, stress, health, hormones, children, grief and the state of the relationship itself. The partner with lower desire isn't "broken", and the partner with higher desire isn't "too demanding". You're two people with different rhythms.
What matters is how you handle the difference.
Why does desire change?
Some common influences:
- Stress and fatigue: work pressure, caring for small children or older parents, and poor sleep.
- Physical health: pain during sex, hormonal changes, pregnancy and after birth, menopause, erectile difficulties or chronic illness.
- Medication side effects: some antidepressants, blood pressure medicines and hormonal contraception can affect desire or arousal.
- Mood: depression and anxiety often lower interest in sex.
- Relationship tension: unresolved conflict, resentment about the load at home or a breach of trust.
- Past experiences: earlier hurts or trauma can make intimacy feel complicated.
- Responsive desire: for many people, desire appears after closeness starts rather than before, which can look like "never in the mood".
See your GP about medical causes
If sex is painful, if there's been a sudden change in desire or function, or if you've started new medication around the time things changed, book in with your GP. Many physical causes are treatable, and ruling them out takes pressure off both of you. Counselling works best alongside medical care, not instead of it.
How do you talk about sex with your partner?
Many couples avoid the topic because past conversations went badly. These steps can make it safer:
- Choose a neutral time. Not in bed, not straight after a declined advance and not when either of you is tired.
- Start with appreciation. "I love being close to you, and I'd like us to feel good about this part of our relationship."
- Talk about feelings, not frequency. "I feel lonely when we go weeks without touching" is easier to hear than "We never have sex".
- Get curious. Ask what helps your partner feel relaxed, desired or close, and what gets in the way.
- Keep it short. Ten or fifteen minutes is enough. You can come back to it.
- Leave out scorekeeping. Counting and comparing tends to increase pressure for one partner and hurt for the other.
The pursue and avoid cycle
A common pattern looks like this: one partner initiates, the other declines, the first feels rejected and either pushes harder or withdraws in hurt. The second partner starts avoiding affection altogether in case it's read as an invitation. Over time, both lose not just sex but cuddles, kisses and casual touch.
Noticing this cycle together, and naming it as the problem rather than each other, is often the turning point.
Things to try at home
- Separate affection from sex for a while. Agree that hugs, holding hands and lying close don't have to lead anywhere. This often brings touch back.
- Talk about what intimacy means to each of you. For one partner it may be sex, for the other it may be time, conversation or feeling looked after.
- Make a kind way to say "not tonight". For example, "Not tonight, but I'd love to curl up together", so a no doesn't feel like rejection of the person.
- Plan time together without pressure. Unhurried time can help responsive desire, without any expectation about how it ends.
- Share the load. If one partner is exhausted by the mental load at home, practical help can matter more than any conversation.
How intimacy counselling helps couples
In intimacy counselling, you have a calm, non-judgemental space to talk about something that can feel embarrassing. The counsellor helps you each explain what you feel and need, understand the cycle you're caught in and agree on small, realistic changes. Sessions are conversations only. Nothing explicit is asked of you, and you set the pace. For the wider picture of how closeness fades, see why couples lose intimacy.
If sex has ever been pressured or forced, or you feel unsafe with your partner, joint counselling isn't the right first step. Call 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732 for confidential support, or 000 in an emergency. Lifeline is on 13 11 14.
Support in Doncaster VIC and across Australia
Midstream Counselling offers sessions with Elena Basova at 450 Doncaster Road, Doncaster VIC, or online by secure video from home anywhere in Australia, which many couples find easier for sensitive topics. Read more about marriage counselling in Melbourne. Elena works with couples of all kinds, including same-sex and transgender couples. No referral is needed.
Frequently asked questions
Is it normal for couples to have different sex drives?
Yes, it's one of the most common concerns couples bring to counselling. Differences in desire are expected across a long relationship, and the aim is to find a way of handling them that feels fair and caring for both partners.
Should I see a doctor about low libido?
It's a good idea, especially if sex is painful, desire has changed suddenly or you've started a new medication. Your GP can check for physical causes and medication side effects, and counselling can support you alongside that.
Will we have to talk about explicit details in counselling?
No. Sessions focus on feelings, patterns and communication, and you choose how much to share. A good counsellor will keep the conversation respectful and paced.
Can intimacy counselling be done online?
Yes. Many couples prefer online sessions for sexual concerns because they can talk from the comfort and privacy of home.