Midstream10 signs your relationship needs counselling (and when to see a therapist)
Not sure whether things are bad enough for counselling? Here are ten signs couples commonly notice, a simple check-in to try at home, and how to know when it is time to get help.
Not sure where you stand? Take the free, private 2-minute relationship check-in.
How do I know if my relationship needs counselling?
If something has been bothering one or both of you for months, if talking about it at home keeps making it worse, or if you've stopped talking about it at all, that is usually the point where an outside perspective helps.
A useful question to ask yourself: "If nothing changes in the next year, how will I feel?" If the honest answer is worried, tired or resigned, counselling is worth considering.
Couples therapy signs to look out for: 10 things couples commonly notice
These are some of the common signs you need relationship help, or at least an outside perspective:
- You have the same argument again and again, and it never really gets resolved.
- Small disagreements turn into big fights quickly, or one of you shuts down completely.
- You feel lonely even when you're together.
- Affection, touch or sex has faded and neither of you knows how to bring it up.
- You talk mainly about logistics: bills, kids, schedules, who is picking up what.
- One of you feels criticised and the other feels ignored.
- Trust has been damaged by an affair, secrecy around money or phones, or broken promises.
- A big life change has knocked you off balance: a baby, a move, illness, job loss or grief.
- You avoid certain topics because it isn't worth the fallout.
- One of you is thinking about separating, or has said it out loud during an argument.
When should a couple see a therapist?
There's no rule that you need to reach a certain level of distress first. Couples come to counselling for many reasons, including to prepare for marriage, to adjust after a baby, or simply because they want to communicate better. Generally, it is worth booking when:
- You've tried to sort something out yourselves and keep ending up in the same place.
- Conversations about one topic regularly end in tears, silence or slammed doors.
- You need to make a big decision together, such as whether to stay together, and can't talk about it calmly.
Research by John Gottman on how couples handle conflict suggests that patterns like criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling are especially wearing on a relationship over time. If you recognise these between you, earlier support tends to make the work easier.
Something to try at home first: a weekly check-in
If you're unsure whether you need counselling, try this for three or four weeks. Pick a calm time, set a timer for 20 minutes and take turns answering:
- What felt good between us this week?
- What was hard for me this week?
- Is there one small thing you could do next week that would help me feel closer?
The listener's only job is to listen and summarise what they heard, without defending or fixing. If you can do this and it feels better over time, great. If the check-in keeps turning into an argument, or one of you won't do it, that tells you something useful too, and it is a good thing to bring to a first session.
What if only one of us thinks we need help?
This is very common. Often one partner has been carrying worries for longer and the other is surprised. Try to explain what you want in terms of hope rather than blame, for example: "I miss how we used to be and I'd like us to get some help finding our way back." If your partner isn't ready, you can still start on your own. Individual relationship counselling can help you understand your part in the pattern and decide what you want.
When couples counselling isn't the right first step
If you feel afraid of your partner, if there is violence, threats, or controlling behaviour such as monitoring your phone, money or movements, joint counselling is not the right place to start. Individual support comes first. In an emergency, call 000. For confidential support, call 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732, or Lifeline on 13 11 14 if you're in crisis. Counselling is not an emergency service.
Getting support in Doncaster or online
At Midstream Counselling, Elena Basova works with couples of all kinds, including dating, married, de facto, same-sex and separated couples. Sessions are in the room at 450 Doncaster Road, Doncaster VIC, or online relationship therapy by secure video anywhere in Australia. You don't need a GP referral. If you'd like to know more about how sessions run, read what to expect in your first couples counselling session or learn more about couples counselling.
Frequently asked questions
Is it normal to need couples counselling?
Yes. Many couples seek counselling at some point, often around big life changes or recurring conflict.
Is it too late for counselling if we're already talking about separating?
Not necessarily. Counselling can help you understand what has gone wrong and decide clearly whether to rebuild or separate.
Can counselling help if nothing is badly wrong?
Yes. Some couples come to strengthen communication, prepare for marriage or a baby, or reconnect after a busy period. Coming before problems become entrenched usually makes the work lighter.
How long should we wait before seeing a therapist?
There's no need to wait. If a problem has lasted months, keeps repeating or feels hard to raise safely, it is reasonable to book now rather than waiting for it to get worse.