MidstreamWhat to expect in your first couples counselling session: before, during and after
Nervous about starting counselling? A gentle, detailed walk through your first couples session: how to prepare, what the counsellor may ask, what you don't have to do and what happens afterwards.
Is it normal to feel nervous before the first session?
Yes. For a first therapy session, couples often feel unsure, and that is completely normal. Many people worry about saying the wrong thing, crying, or hearing their partner say something hard in front of a stranger.
You will not be judged. A relationship counsellor is on the side of the relationship, not either person. Awkwardness usually eases once the conversation gets going, and if you are nervous, you can simply say so at the start. Knowing what to expect in couples counselling can also take some of the edge off.
How do I prepare for my first couples counselling appointment?
You don't need to prepare anything. Coming as you are is enough. That said, a little thought beforehand can help you use the time well:
- Note two or three things you most hope will change, framed as what you want more of.
- Think of one recent moment that captures the problem, such as a specific argument or a lonely evening.
- Agree on practical details together: who books, the time, travel or parking, and childcare.
- For online sessions, find a private room, test your camera and sound, and use headphones if others are home.
You don't need a GP referral or a mental health care plan. A $50 deposit secures the first booking, and current session options and fees are shown when you book online.
What happens in the first session of couples counselling?
We begin by getting to know you and what brings you here. Each partner gets time to speak without being interrupted, and the counsellor will gently steer things if the conversation heats up. There is also time for your questions about how counselling works, confidentiality, fees and how often to meet.
What to expect: couples counselling questions the counsellor may ask
Every couple is different, but you might be asked questions like these:
- What made you decide to reach out now?
- How long have things felt this way, and was there a turning point?
- What happens when you disagree? Who tends to pursue and who tends to withdraw?
- What have you already tried, and what helped or made things worse?
- What would be different in six months if counselling went well?
- Is there anything happening outside the relationship, such as stress, health, grief, family or work?
Some questions may feel easier to answer than others. Saying "I'm not sure" is a fine answer.
What you don't have to do in a first session
People often arrive with expectations that create unnecessary pressure. In a first session, you don't have to:
- Share everything. You choose what to talk about and when.
- Agree on what the problem is. Different views are expected and useful.
- Decide whether to stay together or separate.
- Forgive anything or apologise on the spot.
- Commit to a set number of sessions.
Should we come together or separately?
Usually together, because seeing how you talk to each other is often where the most useful work begins. If your partner isn't ready, you can start on your own with individual relationship counselling.
Joint counselling isn't the right first step if one partner is afraid of the other, or if there is violence, threats or coercive control. In an emergency call 000, and for 24/7 support call 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732 or Lifeline on 13 11 14. Counselling is not an emergency service.
What happens after the first session?
By the end you should have a sense of whether this feels like a good fit and what working together might look like. Often the counsellor will reflect back the patterns they noticed and suggest a focus for the next few sessions, such as slowing down conflict or rebuilding closeness.
Afterwards, it is common to feel tired, relieved, raw or hopeful. Try not to pick up the argument in the car; a simple "thanks for coming" can be enough. Deciding to come back is entirely up to you.
Your first therapy session as a couple at Midstream Counselling
Elena Basova is a relationship counsellor who has supported couples and individuals since 2022, including dating, married, de facto, separated, co-parenting, same-sex and transgender couples. Sessions are in a quiet room at 450 Doncaster Road, Doncaster VIC, about 20 minutes from the CBD, or online couples counselling by secure video anywhere in Australia. Read more about marriage counselling in Melbourne. If you'd like a feel for the process first, watch our 42-second film on how counselling works, or read more on the first session page.
Frequently asked questions
How long is the first couples counselling session?
Session lengths vary by booking type, and the options are shown when you book online. Whatever the length, the first session is paced so both partners get time to speak and ask questions.
Will the counsellor take sides in the first session?
No. A relationship counsellor stays neutral and focuses on the patterns between you rather than deciding who is right. If either of you feels unheard, saying so in the session is welcome and useful.
Do we need a referral for our first couples counselling session?
No. You can book directly without a GP referral or a mental health care plan. A $50 deposit secures your first appointment.
What if the first session doesn't feel right?
It's okay to say so, or to take some time before deciding. Feeling comfortable with your counsellor matters, and there is no obligation to book again.