Midstream
When separation counselling can help
A separation can be a shock or a long time coming. Even when it is the right decision, it is still a loss. People often come to counselling when:
- A relationship has just ended and everyday life feels hard to manage.
- You have decided to separate and want to do it with as little damage as possible.
- You need to tell the children and don't know how.
- You and your former partner keep arguing about the same things.
- It has been months or years and you still feel stuck.
- You are starting to date again and don't want to repeat old patterns.
If you haven't decided yet, read marriage counselling before separation, which covers the choice between staying, leaving and trying counselling first.
Therapy after a breakup, on your own
Grief, relief, guilt, anger and loneliness can all arrive in the same day. A breakup can also shake your confidence and your sense of who you are, especially after a long relationship. Individual sessions give you a private place to say what you can't say to family or friends.
Together you can make sense of what happened, look after yourself through the hardest weeks, and notice any patterns you'd like to change before your next relationship. You can read more about counselling without a partner.
Separating together
Some couples come to counselling together to end the relationship well. This isn't an attempt to change anyone's mind. It is a calm place to talk about how the separation will happen, what you will tell family and friends, and how to reduce blame.
Joint sessions only work when both people feel safe and want to be there. If only one of you is ready to come, that person can still start on their own.
When there are children
Children usually cope better when the adults keep them out of the conflict. Counselling can help you find a calmer way to talk about routines, changes and how to tell them, so they aren't caught in the middle. It can also help you stay a steady parent while you are hurting yourself.
What counselling is not
Counselling supports you emotionally and helps you communicate. It isn't legal advice, and it isn't mediation or family dispute resolution. For questions about property, parenting orders or divorce, speak to a family lawyer. The Family Relationship Advice Line on 1800 050 321 can point you to services across Australia.
If you don't feel safe
If there is violence, threats or coercive control, or you feel afraid of your partner or former partner, joint sessions are not the right place to start. Leaving can be a time of higher risk, so please get specialist support first. In an emergency call 000. You can also call 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732, or Lifeline on 13 11 14. Counselling is not an emergency service.
Who will I see?
Sessions are with Elena Basova, a relationship counsellor with a Master of Counselling from Monash University and a registered member of the Australian Counselling Association. Her approach is person-centred, integrative and attachment-informed. Sessions can be held in English, in Russian or in both. Read more about Elena.
The room is about 20 minutes from Melbourne's CBD, with easy access to the Eastern Freeway. If you live further away or want to keep your sessions separate from home life, online counselling works by secure video.
Frequently asked questions
Is it worth seeing a therapist after a breakup?
You don't have to be in crisis to come. Counselling can help if you are struggling to cope, feel stuck or keep noticing the same patterns. Many people simply want somewhere private to think it through.
Can I come to separation counselling on my own?
Yes. Individual sessions are available in the room in Doncaster VIC or online, whether or not your former partner knows about it or takes part.
Can we see the same counsellor if we are separating?
You can come together for joint sessions about the separation. If either of you wants individual support as well, talk about this at your first appointment, so everyone is clear about how it will work.
Is separation counselling the same as mediation?
No. Mediation and family dispute resolution help people reach agreements about parenting or property. Counselling focuses on the emotional side, on communication and on coping with the change.
Do I need a referral or a mental health care plan?
No referral is needed. Counselling sessions are not covered by Medicare. Some private health funds may cover registered counsellors under extras, so check with your fund.
How soon after a breakup should I book?
Whenever it feels right. Some people book in the first days, and others come months or years later when they notice they are still stuck.