MidstreamRelationship red flags vs normal rough patches: what to watch for and when to get help
Not every hard season is a red flag. Here is how to tell safety red flags apart from relationship warning signs counselling can help with, and from the normal rough patches most couples go through.
Why it helps to sort red flags into three groups
"Red flag" gets used for everything from leaving dishes in the sink to frightening behaviour. That makes it hard to know what you're actually dealing with. It can help to think in three groups:
- Safety red flags: behaviour that makes you afraid, controlled or unsafe.
- Relationship-health warning signs: patterns that wear down trust and closeness over time.
- Normal rough patches: the ordinary friction of two people sharing a life.
The group matters, because what helps is different for each one.
Safety red flags: when joint counselling is not the first step
Some red flags in a relationship are about safety, not communication. These include:
- Feeling afraid of your partner, or changing what you say and do to avoid their reaction.
- Threats, intimidation, physical violence or harm to pets or property.
- Controlling money, phone use, friendships, where you go or what you wear.
- Checking your messages or location without agreement, or punishing you for seeing family and friends.
- Pressure or force around sex.
- Being put down, humiliated or told you're imagining things so often that you start to doubt yourself.
Taken together, a pattern of control like this is often called coercive control. It can be present even when there has never been physical violence.
If any of this sounds familiar, joint counselling is not the right first step. Couples sessions rely on both people being able to speak freely, and that isn't possible when one partner feels unsafe. Individual support comes first. In an emergency call 000. For confidential support, call 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732, any time of day or night. For crisis support, call Lifeline on 13 11 14. A GP, a family violence service or an individual counsellor can also help you think through your options at your own pace.
Signs of an unhealthy relationship that counselling can help with
Other warning signs aren't about danger, but they do wear a relationship down if they become the norm. These are the patterns couples counselling is designed for:
- Contempt: eye-rolling, mocking, sarcasm or speaking to each other as if one of you is beneath the other.
- Stonewalling: shutting down, going silent or leaving the room whenever something hard comes up.
- Constant criticism: complaints that have turned into attacks on character, such as "you're so selfish" rather than "I felt let down".
- Secrecy: hidden spending, hidden messages or important things kept back, leaving one partner feeling shut out.
- Chronic avoidance: topics like money, sex or family that you've both stopped raising because they always end badly.
- Feeling like flatmates: life runs smoothly on logistics, but there is little warmth, curiosity or affection left.
Research by John Gottman on how couples handle conflict found that criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling often show up in relationships under strain. Spotting them is not a verdict on your relationship. It is useful information about where to start.
If quiet distance sounds most like you, see emotional distance in relationships. If trust has been broken, rebuilding trust after cheating may help.
Normal rough patches: what most couples go through
Many difficult stretches are not red flags at all. They're what happens when two people share a life through change and pressure. Normal rough patches can look like:
- More snapping and less patience during a new baby, a move, a job change or caring for a parent.
- Disagreements about money, chores or in-laws that you can still talk through.
- A few weeks of feeling less close, followed by finding your way back.
- An argument that goes badly, followed by an apology and some repair.
The key difference is repair. In a rough patch, you can still say sorry, laugh together sometimes and feel that you're on the same team underneath. Our guides to communicating without fighting and stopping arguments escalating have practical steps for these seasons.
Relationship red flags vs normal problems: a short self-check
Read these on your own first, and answer honestly. There are no scores, just things to notice.
- Do I ever feel afraid of my partner, or of how they will react?
- Do I feel free to see friends and family, spend money and make my own choices?
- When we argue, can we usually repair within a day or two?
- Do we still speak to each other with basic respect, even when upset?
- Are there topics we've both stopped raising because they always go badly?
- Do I feel lonely in the relationship more often than not?
- Has this pattern lasted months rather than weeks?
- If nothing changes in the next year, how will I feel?
If the first two questions raise concerns, please put safety first and reach out to 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732. If the later questions are the ones that sting, that usually points to relationship-health warning signs that counselling can help with.
For a more structured look, try the free, private 2-minute relationship check-in quiz, or read how the check-in works.
When to see a couples therapist
What are signs your relationship needs therapy? Consider couples counselling when:
- The same argument keeps repeating and you can't seem to get past it.
- Contempt, stonewalling or constant criticism have become part of everyday life.
- You've drifted into feeling like flatmates and attempts to reconnect fizzle out.
- Trust has been hurt by secrecy or an affair.
- One of you is quietly wondering whether to stay.
- You're about to make a big commitment and want to start well, for example with pre-marriage counselling.
You don't need to wait for a crisis. Couples often find change easier when they come while there is still goodwill on both sides. Our list of signs your relationship needs counselling goes into more detail.
How couples counselling helps with warning signs
In sessions, a counsellor helps you slow down the patterns that keep repeating, so each of you can say what is underneath the criticism or the silence. You look at the cycle you both get caught in, rather than who is to blame, and practise new ways of responding to each other at home.
Elena Basova holds a Master of Counselling from Monash University and is a registered member of the Australian Counselling Association. She has worked as a relationship counsellor since 2022. Her approach is person-centred, integrative and attachment-informed, drawing on EFT, ACT, CBT, IFS and Gottman-informed counselling, chosen to fit each couple. You can read more about Elena or about EFT-informed couples therapy.
Sessions are held at 450 Doncaster Road, Doncaster VIC, or online by secure video anywhere in Australia. Read more about couples and marriage counselling in Melbourne. No GP referral is needed. Counselling is not an emergency service.
Frequently asked questions
What are the biggest red flags in a relationship?
The most serious red flags are about safety: feeling afraid of your partner, threats, violence, pressure around sex and controlling behaviour such as monitoring your phone, money or friendships. In these situations, individual support and safety planning come before joint counselling. Call 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732 for confidential advice.
What is the difference between relationship red flags and normal problems?
Normal problems involve friction you can still talk through and repair, usually during stressful seasons. Relationship-health warning signs, like contempt, stonewalling or secrecy, are patterns that wear trust down over time. Safety red flags involve fear or control and need a different response.
Can couples counselling fix an unhealthy relationship?
Couples counselling can help with many signs of an unhealthy relationship, such as constant criticism, avoidance, secrecy and emotional distance, when both partners feel safe and want to work on things. It is not appropriate where there is violence, threats or coercive control.
How do I know if it's time to see a couples therapist?
If the same problems keep repeating, if you've stopped talking about important things, or if one of you is thinking about leaving, it's a good time to see a couples therapist. A free 2-minute relationship check-in quiz on this site can help you reflect first.